Beware: Gross Content Ahead

Last week at work two totally creepy things happened... just in time for Halloween I guess :P They were both creepy in different ways though: one was more like child molester creepy and the other was more like morbid spooky creepy. So the first thing that happened is....

I was taking care of an 83 year old African-American male who was admitted to the hospital earlier that day due to gastrointestinal bleeding (AKA, he was shitting blood). Let me paint a pretty picture for you: A person who has this problem has frequent bloody diarrhea (like they have to use the bathroom every 30 to 60 minutes as long as they are actively bleeding), and it smells like the most foul-smelling rotten piece of colon you have ever smelled in your life. As you can imagine, this problem is extremely miserable for both the patient experiencing it and the nurse taking care of the patient (and pretty much everyone else on the unit that has to smell it too.)

Whenever I take care of these patients, I try to be as kind and compassionate as I possibly can, knowing that they really don't need anyone to make their life any more miserable than it already is. I was trying especially hard in the case of this patient, who had the great misfortune of being conscious when all of this was going on (many patients that were losing as much blood as he seemed to be losing, would have been pretty much comatose). Not to mention the fact that so much of it was coming out, he was unable to control it, and just had to go in the bed every time because he wasn't quite strong enough to get up and use the bathroom.

As his nurse, for me this means having to clean his bottom and change his linens for him about every 30 minutes to an hour. If you've ever tried to clean a grown person's arse while they are lying in the midst of a bloody puddle that they have just expelled on themselves, you will know that this is a lot of work! And also quite humiliating to someone who is totally awake, alert, and with the program.

At least I thought he was totally with the program. By around midnight, I had just finished helping him get cleaned up for the seventh time that night. As you can imagine, that is quite a lot of old man butt whiping and genitalia cleaning (when you're sitting in it, it pretty much gets in every nook and cranny possible). All of a sudden he starts talking about how nice I've been to him and how gentle my touch was. I said something like, "Well I just hope you start feeling better soon," and I leaned over him to listen to his heart and lungs for a quick mid-shift assessment. He took my hand in his as I leaned over him, listening for any changes. I didn't think much of it at the time, just that he wasn't feeling good and needed a hand to hold.

Before I knew what was happening, he said, "Would you be offended if I did this?" at the exact same time that he put his other hand on my breast! I must have jumped back from the bed at least five feet, absolutely steaming with shock and anger. In the sternest voice I could muster, I stated affirmatively, "Yes, I absolutely am offended! You have no right to touch me there, and I swear to god, you better not ever, EVER try anything like that again!" I'm pretty sure he could tell I was pissed.

I mean seriously, what the hell was he thinking? He's 56 years older than me, and I've just cleaned up his shitty bloody ass repeatedly!

He then said, "I'm sorry, it's just been so long since I've been touched by a woman." Oh, and that makes up for it?? He kept apologizing like fifty more times, "Please forgive me" blah blah blah. I simply said, "Don't ever do that again, and I don't want to talk about it anymore," and promptly left the room.

My work for the night was not yet done though. Before that ever happened, I had been trying to decide whether or not I needed to put a catheter in him, so that we could watch his urine output. Well let's just say that after that little episode, I decided that he definitely was going to need one. But hell if I was going back near that man's genitals! So I got one of my male coworkers to do it for me. It's all about teamwork in my field.

I believe in karma. You molest the nurse, you get a tube rammed up your dick!

Creepy story #2 to follow soon...Bwahahahahaha!

Yes, I Have Been Scheming

Well I guess it's been a few weeks now, but I have a good excuse: I was scheming. Although my Favie jokingly accused me of it several times, little did he know how right he was! The surprise party last Friday for my Favie and Georgia Girl went off without a hitch, thanks to all of our fellow schemers, who Mr. Beer Pong and I could not have pulled it off without.

My original idea for this post was to reveal all of the little white lies that I have told over the past few weeks in order to pull this whole thing together. I tend to be someone that does not deal with a guilty conscience well, and I was thinking that maybe I should "purge" myself of all the stories I have told my significant other recently. But then the more I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe I should be a good magician and not reveal all of my secrets. So as a consolation prize, I shall recount a few secrets and thoughts, but maybe not every little thing:

• Be careful what you wish for: Over the summer, my Favie made a joke about how I needed to start planning his surprise birthday party. Well I think it was around the end of August that I first contacted Beer Pong about it. And see what happened?
• As it turns out, it's pretty hard to surprise someone that works at home, especially when I was not working for six weeks, and had to make up excuses to leave the house so that I could scheme.
• Email and myspace are the grand enablers of all scheming!
• I cannot count how many phone calls I made to people while hiding in the closet or the bathroom (with the bathroom fan turned on), as I was trying to scheme while he was at home working.
• Scheming makes a person totally paranoid, about everything.
• As my present to each of the birthday honorees, I made each of them a collage of pictures of all their family and friends. In order to put each collage together, I collected pictures from six different sources (I acquired over 200 pictures) and spent around fifteen hours cutting and pasting pictures onto posterboard. (I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, but making fun of myself for going a bit overboard and being so damn detail-oriented and anal-retentive about getting them perfect.)
  
• I cannot tell you how relieved I was when I found out that my Favie had planned to be out of town for five days during the week of the party. I'm pretty sure that I never would have been able to do the collages if he had been in town.
• I was afraid to talk to Georgia Girl for about two weeks before the party, because she is so darn nosy and I'm afraid I'm not always the greatest liar. Good thing she's not much of a phone talker! ;)

All in all, the most important part is that they were without a doubt, totally dumbfounded and surprised. All my scheming was totally worth it, just to see the looks on their faces. The party itself was a total whirlwind that was over before I knew it. We had a great turnout between both friends and family, and I thank everyone so much for helping us make it all happen!




P.S. I'm not sure if I should write this part, but for some reason it keeps bothering me, so maybe I should just get it off my chest. I have one regret only. I don't why, but I have really been beating myself up about the fact that I got way drunker than intended. As far as I know, I didn't really do anything embarrassing, but I pretty much don't really remember the end of the party or going home that night. A good hostess should never be the drunkest one there, but I think I might have been, only because I don't really remember anyone else "acting drunk." It's just that I was looking forward to this event for so long, and now I hardly even remember half of it. But the party was for them, not for me, so I've told myself to just get over it. Anyway, the most important thing is that the birthday boy and girl were surprised and had a good time! the end

A Change of Pace

Working at Emory the past week
Has been super neat.
Four days of orientation classes
I did complete.

I learned about their computer system,
And took a few tests.
Even though I was a little bored,
I still did my best.

One day I visited my new unit,
So that I could meet some peeps.
My new manager and colleagues
All seemed super sweet.

My first night working on my unit
Will be this Tuesday.
I hope on my first night
Things will go my way.

I admit I'm a little nervous,
And I always am at first.
I just need to show them
That I really am a good nurse.

So wish me good luck,
As once again I start out.
Hopefully I will like this new job,
And have no further doubts.