Dream, Dream, Dream

I woke up this morning at 5AM after going to bed at 1AM last night. I feel surprisingly well rested and content to be awake this early in the morning.

I woke up from a good dream, the kind where you try to go back to sleep to get back in the dream again and find out what happens next. It's kind of funny, but I was dreaming about my wedding. I think I must have had weddings on the brain after looking at Ln's pictures. Oh, and when I talked to Eeyore last night, asking if she had any exciting news to tell me, she said she was getting married. (Congratulations!)

Anyway, I was never one of those girls who had their whole wedding planned out by the time they were ten years old. But now that I've been to a few, and the prospect of a wedding in my future is actually plausible, I do think about it from time to time.

I've had two wedding dreams in my life that I can remember. Interestingly enough, they have both taken place during the time which I've been with my current man.

The first dream took place, I think, sometime towards the end of the first year we were dating. This dream was very surreal. I don't remember much about it, except that it took place outside, in some type of forest glen. The setting was the most vivid thing about it. This place was very deep in the middle of a forest, but there was a clearing where everything was set up. All sides of the clearing were surrounded by very tall, thick trees. Streams of light filtered down through the treetops and seemed to shine light into the middle of the clearing. On the edge of where the light was shining, there were wooden, pew-like benches set up in a semi-circle fashion, with an aisle through the middle of them. The scene felt very peaceful and happy. I was wearing a straight, long, white gown, which definitely could have been a hippie dress from the 70's. It reminded me of the dress my mother wore when she married my father. I was also wearing a crown of flowers, much like something you might buy from a renaissance festival. The only action piece I remember about this dream was that we were just about to walk down the aisle, and I was worried about my dress getting messed up in the dirt and leaves on the ground.

Hmmm.... a little odd.

The dream I woke up from this morning was much more similar to a traditional wedding. This one took place in a big, old, stone church with tall ceilings and huge, stained-glass windows. The setting here was also beautiful, peaceful, and happy, but I don't remember the details as much. My dress was simple: another long white dress, but with a strapless satin top and a full skirt that was made from layers of some sort of thin, sheer material. The top part of the back had a bunch of satin buttons down it, ending with a light pink satin bow, just above my hips, at the seam where the skirt met the top. The two tails of the bow flowed down the length of the skirt. The action in this dream was also just before we were supposed to walk down the aisle, except David was right there, so obviously we had seen each other before even going into the sanctuary. Also, the bridesmaids and the groomsmen were collecting their flowers, which were light pink roses, when all of a sudden I remembered that I didn't have a bouquet. I was about to get really upset, when my mom pointed out where it was, and that she remembered to take care of it for me. As soon as I saw my bouquet, I got really excited and happy, and prepared to walk down the aisle.

Dreams are funny. I always figure out little bits and pieces of recent thoughts that I've had or images that I've seen that end up being incoporated into the dream. For example, the light pink color of my roses was the same color of Ln's dress in the wedding she was recently in. It's also funny to me that the two things that seem most important in these dreams are the setting and my dress.

So I got curious about what these wedding dreams could possibly mean, and I looked up several websites about dream analysis. Most of the sites said that dreaming about weddings or marriage is most likely related to: 1) a commitment to someone or something, 2) a harmonious integration of the dreamer's personality or pysche (whatever that means), or 3) a wish-fulfillment (as in, you wish you could get married, so you dream about it). However, the most interesting thing I read was that dreaming about a wedding could also symbolize death. I have kind of been thinking about death and dying a lot lately, so I wonder if that has anything to do with it. It's kind of spooky if you ask me.

Either way, I've always thought it was interesting to try and analyze dreams to see if they could mean anything. The only problem is, the only time I remember my dreams is if I'm sleeping really lightly. And anyone who's ever tried to wake me up knows that it usually takes a jackhammer to get my eyes open.

Tick....Tock....

Wow...I was just wondering if this night could possibly be any slower. I am actually blogging from work, and that has definitely never happened before. I also had time earlier in the night to have a 20 minute phone conversation with my mom and a 40 minute one with my brother. This is my fourth night in a row, and I was kind of hoping it would go by as fast as the first three nights so that I could just get it over with. But noooo, tonight had to be slowest night ever.

I guess I can't complain. I'm taking care of a very nice gentleman. If I was busy, that would mean he was doing poorly. So I am glad that he is doing very well, considering that the reason he's here is because he had a heart attack. However, I am also a little concerned that my exhaustion and boredom might overtake me and drive me into a narcoleptic sleep. Just two and a half more hours...

Anyway, all I gotta do to make it through till the end is "Keep 'em alive till 7:05." (It's the ICU motto.)

Cats!

Last night we revisited the Boston Opera House. This time, we went to see Cats, the musical. Has anyone else seen it? I would be interested to hear other opinions on it.

Although it was not quite what I expected, I did enjoy it. Our seats were pretty good: up in the far left mezzanine, the second row back. We could see everything fairly well, but we did not have very good speaker coverage there, so it was hard to hear the lyrics clearly. So that kind of sucked because there are very few spoken parts in it, as it is almost entirely music. (Yes, I do realize that we went to see a musical, but you know what I mean. This particular musical was pretty much back to back songs, with a line or two of spoken words thrown in there every now and then.) As a result, it was kind of hard to figure out what they were singing about. Luckily, it doesn't really have a complicated plot (or much of a plot at all). Parts of it were a little boring too, especially when they would sing essentially the same song over and over again.

Also, the whole production in general seemed a little outdated. You could definitely tell that it was a child of the 80's, between the synthesized sounding music and the spandex bodysuits with furry leg warmers that the "cats" wore. I was quite amused by it, but at the same time, I was thinking that the production would have been updated a little more as the years went by. I guess you're not really supposed to mess with the classics though. And maybe the whole eighties thing is just part of the charm of it.

Overall, I'm definitely glad we went to see it. It had such a long run on broadway, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Plus, it was pretty funny how they made fun of the different stereotypical cat personalities. As a cat owner, maybe I was able to appreciate that part of it a little more. And you know, in general I really enjoy going to see theatrical productions: musicals, plays, ballets, concerts, anything. It's just a fun treat for me.

Something More Juicy

So the other day I was doing a bit of looking back on my life, and I realized that if my highschool class has a ten year reunion, it will be next year. It's hard to believe that it has almost been ten years since I graduated from highschool. It's amazing how all of a sudden you can stop for a minute, realizing how quickly time has passed.

What I think is even more amazing is how much I have changed since highschool. (Luckily, I haven't changed too much on the outside.) When I was in my early teen years at the beginning of highschool, I was pretty shy, quiet, and awkward. I was a total mess in social situations, especially when I was trying to impress someone. I never seemed to fair well in group situations, because by the time I would think of something witty or funny to say, the moment would have already passed. I think most of the time, I was just kind of in the background.

I only had a few close friends in highschool. I knew all the popular kids, and they knew me, but I was never invited to hang out with them. I was always someone that knew people from all the different groups, but I never really had one group that I hung out with consistently. I was constantly trying to dress and act like the "cool" kids, hoping that I would get invited to hang out, but it never really happened. It was odd though, because I never really got invited to hang out with the "dorks" either. In case you can't tell, my highschool was extremely cliquey. Regardless, it's never a good feeling, when it seems like everyone else belongs somewhere, except for you.

As far as dating, I got asked out by some of the weirdest guys. They were either total dorks that were even more socially awkward than myself, or they were in the "rough" crowd, meaning they did drugs or had been in trouble with the law. Nonetheless, I was hopelessly desperate to find a boyfriend at that time, so I'm pretty sure I gave everyone that asked me out at least one chance. There was one guy that was actually somewhat normal, that I ended up dating for four months. He was a little bit on the dorky side, but he made me laugh and he showed me what it felt like to be treated like a lady. Of course, then I sabotaged the whole thing when I dumped him, hoping to get a date with the hotter, older pool manager where I was lifeguarding. Yeah, that never worked out. He's the only person that I've ever regretted breaking up with.

Anyway, highschool pretty much sucked. I'm pretty sure it sucks for most people. Probably the only people that it didn't suck for are the ones that I spent the whole time trying to be like. When I think about it now, it seems so stupid. They made fun of everyone who was not as "cool" as them, but I still wanted to be like them. Why did I want to be friends with people who made me feel so stupid, unconfident, and inconsequential? It doesn't make a lot of sense.

I guess I just didn't know any better. When I got to college, an amazing thing happened: I finally felt like people actually cared if I existed. I made tons of close friends. I had my own little group of friends that I hung out with constantly and had some of the best times of my life with. All kinds of guys were attracted to me, and they didn't care what group I hung out with in highschool. And most importantly, one of the most popular girls in my class got a big fat beer gut. I never said anything mean to her when I saw her around campus, but just laughed quietly to myself.

I think the thing that sucks the most about highschool is that you don't figure out that highschool doesn't matter until it's already over. Of course, I'm glad that I'm now comfortable and secure enough with myself to know that people who make me feel bad about myself are not worth my time. And luckily, now that highschool is over, "it," as in life in general, has only been getting better since then. I have no idea if I have any desire to attend my ten year highschool reunion. Part of me wants to go back in some hot little outfit and make everyone jealous. Part of me doesn't care if I ever see those people again.

This Post is Probably a Waste of Your Time

I don't have much exciting news to report from this end of the world. But just to sum up the past couple of days... I worked Thursday and Friday nights, and had two more excellent nights at work. Dave made it home safely on Thursday night, but I didn't get much of a chance to catch up with him until Saturday after I woke up. Saturday night we had a great time hanging out with a friend of ours who is also a traveling nurse. It was her last night before leaving to go to New York to start a new contract. I was sad to see her go because even though we've only been hanging out for a short period of time, she was my favorite friend out of the people we've met up here. Hopefully we'll be able to visit her in New York soon. And last but not least, the snow and ice from last week are still on the ground because it has not inched above freezing yet.

So since my life is boring right now, I think I'll join in the gauking at Britney Spears. OK, Britney you win the award for the most retarded and messed up famous person. It's just another example of what can happen when your childhood is stolen from you when you get famous too early. (And what happens when people who start out as white trash get famous.) And now it's obvious that the only way she feels validated in her life is if she's on the cover of every magazine. She must be running out of ideas if she's now gone to something this drastic. At this point, the only thing she can do next is become a lesbian or adopt a child from Zambia. I pretty much just feel sorry for her at this point. I used to think she was pretty cool when she first came out, but now she just makes me wonder more and more what this world is coming to. Hopefully by now, younger girls have realized that if she ever was a role model, she definitely is no longer someone to look up to.

OK, that's all I got for now. Boooooring. I'll try again tomorrow.

Be Careful What you Wish For...

OK, so remember how I was wishing it would snow more? Well last night it did... but I still didn't really get what I was wishing for. What we got was like 2 or 3 inches of snow overnight, which then turned into slush/freezing rain/sleet by around noontime. And it has been extremely windy all day. Somehow that's just not exactly good sledding weather. Oh well, I have been quite amused all day, watching from the window, as people slide around on the sidewalk and fight with their umbrellas to keep them from turning inside out from the wind. I guess I do have an evil streak after all.

I did venture out for an afternoon jaunt to see how I would fair in this weather and to make an all-important trip to the liquor store and grocery store. It was actually kind of fun sloshing through the snow in my boots, and it was much warmer today than it was yesterday. One thing I didn't realize before, but I know now, is that the streets and sidewalks are quite uneven in places up here. This is a problem when there is melting snow and slush everywhere, as it tends to create humongous puddles. There was one unfortunate girl who I saw that had managed to get herself caught in the middle of a five feet wide, three feet long, mid-calf deep puddle, while she was talking to someone on her cell phone and wearing her stilletto heel leather boots. I thought about my random acts of kindness post briefly, but walked on, as I couldn't find any sympathy for someone dumb enough to wear stillettos in this weather.

The worst thing about today is that my man has been "snowed out." As in, he was supposed to be flying in this afternoon from Florida, but his flight was cancelled due to the weather. Poor Dave, he has to spend one more day in sunny 70 degree weather. I will admit I am disappointed, because he surprised me the other night by revealing that he had made dinner reservations for us, which I was not expecting at all. So we had to cancel our reservations tonight, and at this point, I'm not sure when he actually will be able to make it back here. But I'd definitely rather wait another day to see him than have his plane crash in the weather. Regardless, thanks to my afternoon stroll through the snow, I have plenty of food and alcohol to last me until tomorrow. Although I will be drinking alone tonight, I am still going to enjoy my evening. I am about to cook up something delicious for dinner, and I'm seeing a relaxing bath, some nail painting, and a funny movie in the works.

Pay it Forward

This morning when I left from work, it was f-f-freezing outside. Thank God I had less than five minutes to wait before the train came. Normally, I put on my IPod as soon as I get settled into a seat on the train. However, my IPod's battery died the other day, and I had forgotten to charge it up. So I took my pick of a seat on a mostly empty train, and proceeded to drift off into my own thoughts.

We picked up a few more passengers at the next stop, and soon we were off again. It was then that I recognized a man I had seen at least once or twice before on my morning ride home. He caught my eye again because he is generally just an odd-looking man. He is an average height, stocky, black male. He has a pudgy face, with small, dark eyes, a wide nose, and a small mouth. His attire consisted of dark trousers, shiny black shoes, and a dark-colored windbreaker type jacket that did not look near warm enough for this weather. He also carried with him a leather, messenger-type bag. I could only assume he was on his way to work. But the thing that I think is really strange about him is his hair. He is balding on top, yet the hair that he does have on bottom is long. It looks like he puts a bunch of grease in it, straightens it out, and slicks it down flat against his head. But his hair is so thick and coarse, it cannot lay flat against his head, so it poofs out a little. It kind of looks like a flat brick of hair against the bottom part of his head. Very weird.

Anyway, the first couple of times I saw him, I thought he looked quite creepy, with his beady eyes and weird hair. But this time, I saw a different man. He looked tired, as if he hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. And as soon as he got on the train, he started coughing. Not just coughing, but really coughing, like he was hacking up a lung. The problem was, he couldn't stop. You know when you're coughing in a public place, and you don't want to annoy everybody with your coughing, but you just can't stop? It was something like that. I could tell he was trying to suppress it, but couldn't, and he kept looking around to see if anyone was noticing him. He looked incredibly uncomfortable.

For probably a good twenty minutes this went on. About five minutes into it, I realized that I had a box of lozenges in my bag. I kept thinking to myself that I should give him one. But then I kept getting too scared or too shy. What if I trip and fall while the train is moving? What if he thinks I'm a real wierdo too? What if he really is a creepy old man and would take it as an invitation? But he looks like he's in an awful lot of pain... So I went back and forth in my head wondering what to do.

Finally the train was at my stop, which was also his stop, and I exited right behind him, so that I would have more time to figure out whether or not to approach him. I walked behind him up the stairs, and he continued coughing the whole way. When we got to the top of the stairs, he held the door open for me. Here was my opportunity. "Would you like a lozenge? I have some in my bag...."

He turned and looked at me, and his eyes were filled with tears from coughing so hard. He smiled at me gratefully, and said, "Well yes, I really would." So I gave him the box of medicine, telling him that I hope he feels better. His eyes twinkled as he said, "God bless you and I hope you have a good day." I wished him a good day as well, and we parted ways.

As I walked away, I felt giddy and smiley all over. It may have been the cold, but waves of chill bumps kept washing over me from head to toe. What a silly, small thing it was, but I felt like I had just won the lottery. I smiled all the way home, and until I snuggled up in my nice warm bed, easily drifting off to sleep.

And the moral of the story is:
So here's my advice to anyone who may be sad or lonely or angry or just having a bad day this Valentine's Day: Don't wait around for someone to do something nice for you, and then get upset when it doesn't happen. Go out and randomly do something nice for someone else. You might be surprised what happens.

Carpe Diem

It's 3am and I have just spent the past couple of hours doing my staying up all night the night before I have to work routine, where I can sit in the quiet, reading blogs, catching up on what is going on with other people's lives. There is a blog, that I have been checking in with from time to time, which has been written by a patient (or by his wife when he has been unable) that I took care of last November. When I took care of him in the Thoracic ICU, he was recovering from having part of his esophagus removed due to esophageal cancer.

Most of the patients that I take care of I never think about again once I walk through the doors of the hospital on the way home. It may sound callous, but you can't take all of these patients home with you. However, there are always a few that will forever pervade your mind. Some of these are sad stories, and some of them are happy.

This patient that I took care of last November is one that I have often thought about, wondering what he has been up to, and how is he doing. The recovery from the surgery that he had in November went very well. In fact, I remember him telling me that the surgeon told him that he should be the "poster child" for the surgery he went through. We talked about his life, his children, his wife, and his love for music. We talked about many things throughout the course of the night. The thing that struck me most about him was his upbeat outlook on life, his energy, and his will to live. He had been diagnosed in July of 2006 and had already been through a lot, dealing with all of the treatments that he had to undergo. It never seemed to beat him down though, and that to me, is absolutely amazing.

It had been over a month since I had checked in with his blog to see how he was doing. Unfortunately, tonight I found out that his cancer had reoccurred, he had taken a turn for the worse, and that he passed away on February 6th.

And all I have to say is that f***ing sucks. Here was a person that had so much life in him left to live, and yet he only got to live half of it. He was a good husband, a good father, and a good friend, and what does he get for it? Now his family has to somehow find a way to move on with their lives without him. What a crock.

His wife wrote the last post, which described the last days of his life. I was glad to hear that in his last days under hospice care, he was comfortable, and surrounded by his loving family and friends. I suppose if you have to move on from this world, that would have to be the best way to go. The amazing thing is that his wife doesn't sound angry or bitter. In fact, she sounds like she is really at peace with the world. I can't imagine having to go through something like that.

Losing someone that I love so dearly (i.e. my husband) is by far one of the biggest fears that I have in my life. It is something that I have realized as I have seen it happen time and again through my work. It just kills me when bad stuff happens to good people. It's absolutely just not fair. Especially when it happens to one of the few whom I really thought was going to make it, and more importantly, really deserved to make it.

I shall always remember this patient of mine for his incredible outlook on life, despite the grave prospects of the disease he so bravely fought. By meeting people like him, I have learned to try to adapt a more positive outlook on life, and to appreciate each day that I have on this earth. I wish nothing but the best to him and his family. And with any luck, right now, he is grilling out, black and tan in hand, watching the Patriots kick butt on the TV!

Jack is Back!

Is it just me, or is 24 more gory this season? I mean, I see gross stuff at work all the time, but some of the stuff on this season so far is really grossing me out. Maybe it's just because I've been watching all the episodes one after the other, as I've been trying to catch up, since I haven't been able to watch any of it this season. (stinking old night shift) So maybe it's just the cumulative effect of watching each episode 5 minutes apart instead of a week apart. By the way, thanks to my Nashvegas buddy, I can watch all the episodes commercial free, and for free, when I click on this link. So far, I'm only on the third episode... four more to go. I just don't know if I can do it. Seriously, in the first episode, Jack gets stabbed in his "nerve bundle" and in the back, and then rips out someone's throat with his own teeth! Aaaaaaaah!

Speaking of Jack's injuries, excuse me, but how the hell is he back to his old self again by the third episode? He just got stabbed twice two hours ago! Not to mention the fact that he's been tortured and hasn't spoken one word for twenty months. And then all of a sudden, he's running around stealing cars and talking about how little time he has over the cell phone! What about all the mental and physical anguish he's been through? I think I need to have a serious talk with the medical advisor on that show. But then again, he is Jack Bauer after all.


















(Soooo hot, want to touch the hiney!)

Check My Style Out....1995!

This past weekend was excellent! We went back to the hometown again to hang out with some of our favorite ATL peeps. As usual, there was plenty of debauchery and the nurse not being on duty. My thoughts about this weekend would best be summed up in a monologue by Blizzard Man:




(Now that I have set this free on the internet, I hope that my brain will also set it free and never sing it again!)